Then Again

Sep. 12th, 2015 03:36 am
absurdhero: (Jesus Wept)
[personal profile] absurdhero
I have this recurring fantasy of going back in my own timeline to get a second chance at things. There's a lot of crap from my teens and twenties that I'd like to get a do-over for, and things that I figured out later in life that I'd love to have gotten started on earlier. I go through these scenarios for different points that I could jump back into my life, thinking about what possibilities I'd have if I jumped into me circa 1997, for example, versus me circa 2001. The amount of knowledge I'd be able to carry with me is a huge wildcard, and if I were able to make changes, I'd also need some way of guaranteeing I'd still be able to end up with my wife and build relationships with the tiny group of close friends I have today. I'm a completely different person today than I was then (though overall I'd say a much better one,) so it's hard to say how things would develop.

Honestly, it's a pretty stupid rabbit hole to fall into. I'm doing better right now than I have at any point in my life and going back would force me to suffer through some hardships until I cheated my way into riches using my future-knowledge. It's likely my perfectionism that forces me to constantly consider all the ways things could have gone better, so I lay awake at night thinking about that instead of considering that my life actually turned out pretty fucking good and going to sleep.

I do a reasonable job of living in the present, until moments like this hit. I'd love to give up this dwelling on the past and exchange it for looking forward to the future, which unfortunately seems to be in short supply for me lately.

Date: 2015-09-14 01:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amayagoddess.livejournal.com
Habits. It's only a matter of time before you will get yourself off of the fantasies and back to the future. (Back to the Future!) You know where you are and where you want to be. Consciously catching and correcting will train your brain not to rely on it. Remember to reward yourself!

Date: 2015-09-16 04:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] absurdhero.livejournal.com
On point, as usual. Lately I've been reminding myself to acknowledge and be grateful for what I have, much which is actually pretty awesome. Taking a step back and honestly appreciating the good things in life is really important, and I shouldn't neglect that in favor of thoughts of things that could have come sooner or been better.

No matter how old I get, there's always more growing up left to do. :)

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