absurdhero: (Coffee Pot)
Historically, I've known that patience is not one of my virtues. But lately I've had to reconsider that, and realize that it's a statement that requires further qualification.

I have very little patience for situations and groups. I have a lot of patience with individuals.

For example, I am very much known for cursing at traffic, cursing at my computer, getting antsy while waiting in line for anything, and flipping my shit when I spill something and subsequently have to clean it up.

But when it comes to individual people, I can have patience that seems endless. When I was in 2nd grade I worked extensively to help out an intellectually disabled kid get through his work, and didn't know I was doing anything special until a teacher thanked me for it. These days, I accept friends as they are and easily brush past any failings or personality quirks they may have. My patience with the people I work with, some of whom have language barriers and others of whom suffer from general incompetence, is so strong that my boss sent me a photo comment of Saint Nicholas after seeing one of my recent interactions.

What this tells me, generally, is that I need to keep in mind the human element in the things that piss me off. Every car out there on the road is another individual, and while some of them are legitimately bad drivers, the vast majority are just trying to get to their destinations, like me. Situations can often not be helped, but they're almost always the result of human decisions and activity, and they can at least be understood and identified with. Including when I very humanly fail to put the filter in and the coffeemaker spills out all over the kitchen floor.

Then Again

Sep. 12th, 2015 03:36 am
absurdhero: (Jesus Wept)
I have this recurring fantasy of going back in my own timeline to get a second chance at things. There's a lot of crap from my teens and twenties that I'd like to get a do-over for, and things that I figured out later in life that I'd love to have gotten started on earlier. I go through these scenarios for different points that I could jump back into my life, thinking about what possibilities I'd have if I jumped into me circa 1997, for example, versus me circa 2001. The amount of knowledge I'd be able to carry with me is a huge wildcard, and if I were able to make changes, I'd also need some way of guaranteeing I'd still be able to end up with my wife and build relationships with the tiny group of close friends I have today. I'm a completely different person today than I was then (though overall I'd say a much better one,) so it's hard to say how things would develop.

Honestly, it's a pretty stupid rabbit hole to fall into. I'm doing better right now than I have at any point in my life and going back would force me to suffer through some hardships until I cheated my way into riches using my future-knowledge. It's likely my perfectionism that forces me to constantly consider all the ways things could have gone better, so I lay awake at night thinking about that instead of considering that my life actually turned out pretty fucking good and going to sleep.

I do a reasonable job of living in the present, until moments like this hit. I'd love to give up this dwelling on the past and exchange it for looking forward to the future, which unfortunately seems to be in short supply for me lately.

November 2016

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